Mental illness can overwhelm us at times. It can dictate our decisions, affect our relationships and stop us from doing the things we enjoy. Sometimes mental illness becomes more than just an illness, it becomes our life. Or to put it another way, our best friend.
It’s an obsession we don’t want. An obsession with our own self loathing. Depression makes you fixate on the worst aspects of yourself. Its like you’re laying in bed at night trying to get to sleep and you find yourself revisiting everything you’ve done that day. Depression does this to me constantly except, it recounts every single thing I have ever done wrong, every embarrassing situation I’ve found myself in. I’ll find myself sitting blankly as these thoughts intrude into my life, scuppering my plans as they paralyse me with fear and sadness.
The obsession continues. The self hate urges me to dredge up all the worst aspects of my personality and fixate on them. That I have a temper, that I take out on authority figures and family. That I can be quiet and intense, which alienates strangers and new people in my life. That I can never finish anything I start, which in turn fulfils the self fulfilling prophecy that I’m a failure. Then my only thoughts are negative;
“I’m a nobody.”
It’s weird how mental illness distorts are thinking, how it morphs into something that becomes so central to our lives. It becomes our friend. A constant companion that we take with us everywhere we go. It comes along to parties, family events, school or work. It’s not silent either; it whispers in our ears and tells us we’re not loved, we’re not capable. It wants to be our best friend, our only friend.
The problem when mental illness is your BFF is how much control it has over us. It will distract us from what we want to do. It will distance us from our family and friends. It wants us to be alone, that’s its goal. So now all we have is them, the illness. It can completely take over our life if we allow it.
It’s important to recognise when this is happening. I talk about mental illness, a lot. I do so because I want to be open about it, and make subjects like psychosis no longer a taboo thing to talk about. When I talk about how I’m feeling in a negative, inward looking way, I need to think about my actions. Am I overthinking, becoming paranoid and fixating on how I’m feeling? Is this encouraging my mental illness to become more central in my life? When this happens I have to stop myself and gain some self awareness.
No-one really wants to be mentally ill. We want to be healthy and stable, but sometimes our mental illness plays tricks on us. It makes us believe we’re deserving of it, and this feeds our relationship with it. We’re all worthy of a best friend. A real one, that supports and encourages us, and one that can tell us we’re loved when mental illness is telling us the opposite.